The Squid and The Unicorn

The squid sat at his dining table, enjoying a healthy meal. The unicorn’s helpless screams did not make their way into the his head, as the squid had no ears. The squid could see the unicorn’s struggles against his guards, but he chose to focus his single eye on his food instead. The squid liked to eat unicorn tail-hair. It required much work, and the unicorn would screech helplessly, but the absent-minded squid believed it was worth it. Eventually, the squid would let the unicorn go. But for now he continued to chew on the silky fibers of the unicorn’s tail, which was quite an amazing feat, since the squid had no mouth to chew with, and no esophagus to swallow with.

            After everything was over, the unicorn would sit in an easy chair in a corner of the fuzzy room, thinking thoughts. Some of the thoughts were sad but many were not. Often he got a wicked headache and had to soothe the bunions on his feet with heated mentholated waters that filled the room with an odor reminiscent of holidays past. Even when he appeared to be doing nothing, even when a brain scan would have come up with nothing, he was, in fact, planning his revenge against the the evil squid, whose one brown eye haunted his days and nights. "I am going to get you, squid" was the most common sentence that passed through his mind.

            So the unicorn continued to plan, and the squid continued to chew. After a while, a loosely formulated plan made its way into the unicorn's mind, and he called to his magical robot waitress who he had named Hannah. "Hannah," he said. "I need some C₆H₁₂O₆ and a banana, stat." Hannah rolled her eyes and sighed. "Yeah, whatever." When Hannah returned with a vat of glucose and his banana, he carefully took them from her. The unicorn looked under the door of his fuzzy room and opened it, cautiously stepping out of his fluffy slave chamber.

The unicorn crept his way into the squid’s room, which was kept very cold so the squid’s pet intergalactic piranha, named Fred, didn’t spontaneously combust. Fred stared at the unicorn as he crept inside. Fred opened his left eye to look, then his right eye, he even opened the third eye he kept only for emergencies.  The unicorn made his way towards the squid, who was sleeping upside-down on what looked like a very large coat-hanger, when Fred opened his mouth, revealing thousands of tiny unicorn souls, wailing in despair. The unicorn was horrified, but decided to keep going. He placed the banana in his vat of glucose and watched as the banana melted into a toxic liquid, which explained why the banana was magical, since an average banana wouldn’t have melted. The unicorn put his mixture on the squid’s bedside table, with a note under it that said, “I made you a smoothie, enjoy!”  The unicorn began to walk away, when a sticky tentacle suddenly shot from Fred’s left eyetooth. The tentacle wrapped around the unicorn’s horn and yanked him into Fred’s waiting jaws, which had unhinged to reveal a dark tunnel. Fred closed his mouth, blocking out any light from the unicorn’s eternal prison.

The next day, the squid drank his “smoothie”, and was horrified as black spots sprung up all over his body. The squid died almost instantly, and his reign of terror ended. With no one to control it, the thermostat quickly turned up the temperature, ending the life of Fred and millions of tormented unicorns. The rest of the unicorns lived happily, and the thermostat never again had to worry about being cold.